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As a child growing up in Chicago,
I was plagued by the question, "What is justice?" I
wondered why people couldn't get along better than they did in
my home; in my neighborhood; in the world. My father called me
a dreamer. He constantly told me that I was a "worthless,
no good scoundrel," to use his exact words, "who
would never amount to anything." Those words sank deep
into my life. I wanted to become a lawyer when I grew up and
in that way fight for justice, but, in fact, every action I
took insured that I would never accomplish anything meaningful
in my life. In my senior year of high school I was expelled
for cutting classes; the teachers said I was incorrigible and
couldn't be educated.
My father cried and told me that he knew this would happen. My
mother, who was a schoolteacher, was disgusted with me. I
didn't know what to do or where to turn. I was so distraught
that I seriously considered suicide. I was brought up
Catholic, so I went to a priest for help. He told me that he
was too busy to talk to me. Next I called my best friend. We
hung out all night and got drunk. The next morning I joined
the Air Force. I was 18 years old.
A New
Beginning
I passed the high school equivalency test in the Air Force, so
when I got out of the service four years later, I moved to New
York where I could attend a community college. But this was
the '60s. I was so distracted by the times that I gave up on
both school and my dreams. By the time I was 30, I had worked
as a laborer in the steel mills, swept floors in factories,
loaded mail trucks at the post office, been a gate agent for
the airlines and a salesman for EBONY magazine.
An executive at an advertising agency thought I might have a
talent for writing. With his encouragement I soon became an
advertising copywriter. It was my first real success. I worked
in the advertising business for the next 20 years, and it was
during those years, in 1976, that I became a Buddhist.
I practiced Buddhism sincerely and did very well in my career,
attaining promotion to senior vice-president and creative
director level. In 1986, I left New York, and, after a year
with an agency in Chicago, I moved to Los Angeles where I
worked for the Nissan Corporation as manager of media
relations.
A
Turning Point
In 1992, I was laid off. This turned out to be the real
turning point in my life. First of all, I couldn't find
another job. My wife and I got a divorce. I was living in
Santa Monica in an apartment that wasn't mine. And finally,
since I was living illegally in a rent-controlled apartment, I
was told to move. I was given one month. I had no job, no
money, and I was using a bicycle to get around Los Angeles. I
couldn't believe that I had practiced Buddhism for almost 20
years and I was actually facing homelessness on a bicycle. I
appealed to the real estate agent to let me stay in the
apartment, but to no avail. With one week left before I would
be out on the street, the only thing I could do was chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo
(the basic practice of SGI members).
On Monday of that week I started a 10-hour-a-day chanting
session. On Thursday an SGI member I knew called and said she
was going out of town for a month and asked if I knew anyone
who could look after her house for her. I moved in the next
day. By the time she came back, a staff member at the World
Tribune (the SGI-USA organ paper) had called and asked if
I could work for them while the managing editor went to Boston
to cover SGI President Ikeda's visit to Harvard. Another
friend had an apartment for rent, and he wanted me to have it.
And, while working at the World Tribune, I met my new
wife.
During my marathon
chanting sessions, I determined to take my life, which had
until that point been built on circumstance, and rebuild it on
prayer. Since getting kicked out of high school, I had gone
wherever the wind blew me. If someone offered me a job, I'd
take it--not so much because it was the job I wanted, but
because there it was in front of me. Now I wanted to develop
the courage to make a determination and stick with it until I
had a result. With that spirit, I chanted to be able to use
whatever talent I might have toward the attainment of world
peace.
The
Power of Positive Prayer
My wife and I share a dream of living in France someday. She
has spoken French since her early teens, but I couldn't speak
a word of French until I enrolled in a course at Santa Monica
College. It was at this college that I got my first
"A" ever. I was so encouraged by this success that I
took another course in French, then one in history and
political science and another in math. Before I knew it, I was
graduating from Santa Monica College--my first graduation
since elementary school. I applied to the University of
California at Los Angeles (UCLA), and I focused my Buddhist
practice on being accepted. While waiting for the result, I
realized that my prayer was full of doubt. It went something
like this: "With my background, there's no way I am going
to be accepted at one of the top research universities in
America." I immediately changed my prayer from one of
doubt to one of certainty: "Yes, I absolutely will be
accepted." A few days later the thin letter of rejection
showed up in my mailbox. But that didn't deter me one bit. I
had determined that I was going to UCLA and that was that. I
completed some unfinished course work from years before that
was blocking my way, and when my grades were recalculated, I
had in fact graduated from Santa Monica College with honors.
The following quarter I was accepted for early admittance to
UCLA.
Making
Dreams Come True
Over the years, a committee of voices had found a home in my
life. These were internal voices that at every opportunity
would remind me of my father's words from my youth. Whenever I
would set myself to a task, they would remind me in no
uncertain terms that I had no ability whatsoever to do
anything meaningful in this life, and that I was a total
failure.
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But with my
victory I was able to tell my father and my internal committee
that they were wrong! I also realized that I had transformed
not only my own karma (fundamental life tendency), but also my
father's karma, and I came to realize that I was truly a
valuable human being. The committee couldn't stand up to the
strength of my prayer and the depth of the inspiration I get
from my mentor SGI President Ikeda. When President Ikeda spoke
at Columbia University a few years back, he said, "The
task of education must be fundamentally to ensure that
knowledge serves to further the cause of human happiness and
peace." That was my dream as a child.
I will soon finish my studies at UCLA. When I submit my
application to graduate school for my Ph.D. studies, I will
submit it to UCLA, of course, and Columbia University. I just
have to decide which one I'll accept. My experience is
incredible proof that it really is never too late to make our
dreams come true.
Originally printed in the September 15, 2000, issue of the
World Tribune
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