Music as a Force for Peace
July 2004
Banner photo: ©SEKAI BUNKA PHOTO
Finding Peace of Mind
Billy Bang, New York-based violinist, is a seminal figure in avant-garde jazz. His album "Vietnam: the aftermath," based on his experiences in Vietnam in 1968, won an Association for Independent Music Award in 2003.
SGI Quarterly: What does peace mean to you?
Billy Bang: Peace means a lot to me, primarily from experiencing the horrors and the hellishness of war. Peace means to stay as far away from any type of war, that atmosphere, that environment, that connection--as I can. I believe there are no justifiable wars.
I never joined the army. I was drafted. So you become a soldier whether you want to or not.
SGIQ: What was the most shocking thing about the reality of the experience of being in Vietnam?
BB: The most shocking thing is that people can actually die almost for no reason. The reason that we were killing each other . . . it didn't mean anything to us, the people on the ground, the actual soldiers. As a matter of fact there was not animosity between the combatants.
Some of the ways that people experienced peace was by not fighting. I remember an incident where I was on guard duty. We were perhaps 200 feet away from our base camp, just two of us out there, observing, and somehow there were two Vietnamese guerrillas and they were sort of easing up on our base camp from another side, but all of a sudden they looked up and they saw me and my friend. We looked up pretty much at the same time. At that distance we could have fired at each other but we just didn't, we sort of acknowledged each other . . . they left and we didn't say a word. They didn't open fire. It was the weirdest moment I think I've ever had. But these incidents, I've heard, happened a lot in Vietnam.
SGIQ: When you came back, you must have been very disillusioned.
BB: I was disillusioned, I was shocked, I was confused and very bitter, angry. If I hadn't gotten into music, I'd be one of those guys in the hospitals right now, or on the streets homeless. I wasn’t that far away from it in any event. One is always wanting to resign into those areas because we feel no one understands what we saw, what we experienced. I felt the only way I could atone myself for what I did in Vietnam was to approach life from a more peaceful way, a more spiritual way. The closest thing for me in that area was music.
SGIQ: I read you said through making "Vietnam: the aftermath" you were able to get rid of your dark side.
BB: That was the most amazing thing that happened to me. That was unexpected. I had been going to see psychologists or psychiatrists since I’ve been home, but I thought I couldn't get any help out here. I have been diagnosed with PTSD [post-traumatic stress disorder]. It used to flare up every once in a while, to the point where it was very hard for me to be a family person, a father, it affected my entire life.
It was only when I was very desperate for finances that I called Justin Time Records to see if I could do a CD for them. They said would you consider doing a project about your experience in Vietnam, and I said I'd think about it. I'd often thought about doing this, but I'd never committed myself.
Anyhow, after a few days I called them back and agreed to do it. I wanted to do it as honestly as I could. I actually relived a lot of the horror and danger and the war again. When I was writing this music, some days the pages which I was writing on were wet from tears, the music was completely blurred. I went through a lot of emotions writing that particular music, which is one of the things the critics tell me that they can feel through the music.
That was actually the best therapy that I ever did without realizing it. It was very painful during this period, but somehow after writing the music, after rehearsing, particularly after recording it, I felt lighter. A lot of us did, it wasn't only me. A lot of the Vietnam veterans who played on the CD experienced a lighter feeling. Actually this is where the peace really starts to come in. This is where I found, I felt peace of mind, I felt peace in my soul, like a lot of guilt had lifted off, a lot of madness. It's almost as if I had awakened for the first time in over 30 years. It's like I'd been in a coma for a long time. I finally realized I need to speak with people, I need to identify better, I need to be more honest. I think I was born at the same time as the CD. All those years I missed . . . I went from 19 to 52 years old.
SGIQ: Other people who have been through other things, maybe not the war, not Vietnam, but violence, can they also relate to this music?
BB: That's what I found out later. I didn't write the music for that reason, but people have written to me and expressed as much relief from hearing the music as I had from writing it and performing it. Because some of them lived through that period but they didn't go through the war, or they knew someone who was affected by the war. I also heard from someone who lived in an abusive family and they drew their own parallels, about not being able to speak about something and not being able to understand clearly and to always put the guilt and blame on oneself. There were some similarities that people felt, so it's not really limited to Vietnam. That's what I learned. I didn't realize anything like that before.
SGIQ: Do you think in a sense because you went deeply into your own truth that's why it can touch other people?
BB: Yes, I can honestly say I believe that.
If I never did another thing, that to me was an accomplishment in itself because of the feedback I get. Even the way people speak to me these days, it's a lot different. I used to always think I had to say these certain things in order to be accepted.
SGIQ: What does it make you think about the purpose of your life?
BB: I honestly think that I was really here for that reason, to go through that experience and to try to interpret it and eventually share it with others on some level. Even if it isn't the purpose, then I see purpose in it. The other thing is that it actually brought more meaning to my music than just playing some notes. It brought some clarity and some understanding as to why I do in fact play these notes.
SGIQ: You have said you want to go back to Vietnam.
BB: Let me be very honest, I never really wanted to go back to Vietnam. But since I recorded "Vietnam: the aftermath," a filmmaker and myself thought about going back to the place, the origin of this pain, in order to find peace and solace there, to meet with the Vietnamese people, particularly the musicians, and I'm hoping there are in fact musicians like myself who actually fought in the war. We can come together through music and find a real peace, the ultimate solace of reconciliation. That is my real desire.
I honestly think that if I confront this, then I think I will be a better person. This yearning to be as good as I can be . . . I don't have a choice, it's a necessity. And it's not only for me.
What is going on in the world now is what's actually giving it more purpose. Something actually needs to be counteracting these times. There need to be other thoughts out there, other than the ones that are being bombarded at us through the media.
Overall, the only way I can conceive of peace is very personal. Finding peace in the soul and peace in the mind is so important for me . . . That's the thing that I'm searching for.
For information about "Vietnam: the aftermath" go to www.justin-time.com.
