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Coming Through the Darkness

An Experience of Friendship

Ryu Terayama (not his real name), 34, worked as an engineer in the latest systems tests for aircraft and automobile technology in Japan until 2003. Despite a lack of formal education, he had also been to flight school in Los Angeles where he learned English, and taught engineering in Bolivia for a volunteer overseas program. In 2003, after the death of his father and his grandmother, he started to suffer from acute depression over the course of about two years. Through the help of a friend, Kyoko Tsuge (not her real name), and a psychotherapist, as well as moderate amounts of medication, he worked his way out of depression. Having recovered, he is now writing a book about depression and has started to travel again.

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[Glowimages/Getty Images]

SGI Quarterly: Can you describe your experience of depression?

Ryu Terayama: Around the time of my father's illness, I used to work overtime every day and I continued working at home until midnight. Through talking to a counselor, I realized the reason I was pushing myself was because I wanted to be praised by my father. He had never once praised me.

I was on a high, but only in connection with work. I didn't do anything except work. Then, in 2003, I visited my father's sick room the day before I flew to London on a business trip. He died the next day. When I got back to Japan, his funeral was already over. I couldn't feel the reality of his death, and for about one month I couldn't get up from my bed. I woke up hungry and ate, but after breakfast I lost the energy to move.

Then I started to come to work late--at 11, then at 12, then at 2; and then I quit.

I remained depressed for over one year after my father died. It was as though I fell into the "Rabbit Hole," like Alice. I was looking for somebody who would accept me. At that time I hated myself, and I thought I had to change something about me.

Someone to Talk to

SGIQ: At that time you made friends with a coworker, Kyoko Tsuge.

RT: I was a new guy in the office, and she was older than me. She had a management position, and at that time I didn't have one. Unlike with other coworkers, I didn't talk about work with her; I just felt she was a friend. With my male friends I felt I had to be competitive, I couldn't show my weak points.

I complained to her about my family, my father or my childhood. I complained about everything. Sometimes she got tired of my moaning and we quarreled but we still remained friends. She listened to me.

I feel she had insight into my condition, because whatever I said, whether positive or negative, reasonable or unreasonable, she believed me. The important thing was not what I said but what I felt inside. She understood that. Before meeting her I don't think I knew what a friend was.

I read some books about overcoming depression but that wasn't very helpful, because words in books are just words, they didn't seem to speak to me. But when I thought of my grandmother or Kyoko, I felt their sincere wish to see me live.

Every day, every minute, I thought about ending my life, but I always felt I should survive somehow. I kept asking myself why, though, again and again. I didn't know where I was, what I was or where I was going. Now I feel like I have passed through the dark tunnel at last, and I can see everything around me more clearly. Things are completely the opposite; now I am enjoying my life, everything is interesting.

SGIQ: How did you relate to someone who was so depressed?

Kyoko Tsuge: Most people in Japan attempt to hide their depression, perhaps just staying at home and not talking to people, so I had never met anyone like Ryu before. When he quit his job, I used to think of ways to feed him social information, and about the dealings of the company. I hoped that one day, if he recovered, this information would be helpful.

Ryu wanted to make me understand what depression was. So he asked me to read some books. I tried to show him how much I understood. I believe that was helpful. I am the kind of person who nourishes my friends all the time. We talked by e-mail frequently and met up almost every week to go shopping.

SGIQ: Did you find it difficult to support Ryu when he was very depressed?

KT: Most Japanese people don't want to know about depression, so I never told anybody else. But it was a real friendship. I could tell Ryu I didn't want to see him on a particular day and that was fine. I could really say anything I liked, otherwise we couldn't keep such a long-lasting friendship.

Sometimes Ryu told me some very strange stories and expressed very selfish opinions, but I didn't say, "You're wrong," because he just wanted to let me know what he was thinking. So I just listened carefully, and finally I tried to say what I thought. I never threw out his opinions. It was difficult for me at the time, but now I can really give him my honest opinion.

SGIQ: Would you say Ryu has recovered?

KT: I believe he has discovered his future and purpose in life now. He is trying to write about his life, to publish a book. He is a good friend for me as well.

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