Parents and Children
January 2009
Banner photo: © Frans Lemmens/Getty Images
Young People's Perspectives on Parents
Soufia A. Siddiqi, 22, lives in Lahore, Pakistan. She is one of a number of young people interviewed by filmmaker Susan Ricketts for a planned documentary entitled New Generation Pakistan, which explores the views of young Pakistanis. She spoke to the SGI Quarterly about her upbringing.
How would you describe your parents' approach to your upbringing?
I grew up on the East Coast of Saudi Arabia among a mix of Arabs, Indian workers, Western feminists, Middle Eastern entrepreneurs . . . so there were lots of standards by which to compare my parents.
In comparison to other Pakistanis, my parents were quite liberal. There were no prohibitions about ordinary things like playing with boys or not covering our heads. In comparison to the parents of some of my Arab friends, though, they probably appeared a bit conservative.
They encouraged us to play outside, write, borrow from the library, cook or make do with one Barbie. They lavished us with outings, love, support. But they cut back on things we wanted because our friends had them or just because they seemed "cool." That's helped me become a person with resilience and the faith that when life gets you down, only you can pick yourself back up.
When I was at school, half my life was spent complaining about it. But I realize now that qualities like hygiene, discipline, punctuality, respect for my elders, the ability to keep my head together in a chaotic city like Lahore . . . are all because of the school that my parents chose for me.
I was sent to a school for foreigners in Saudi Arabia with an American system, but with greater emphasis on Islamic values. At the time, we didn't think "Islamic" values were all that important, but I realize now that the amount of time my school spent reminding us that there was more to a religion than memorizing verses out of a holy book is something that has stuck. Since then religion has been important in my life.
Are your parents involved in decision-making about key issues?
There are some things that define everyone's lives, like which college to attend, what to major in, who to marry. I consciously involve my parents in such decision-making. I might take a while to explain my exact dilemma to them, but I know I would never be comfortable taking any such step without knowing that they were in support of my choices.
What have you learned from them about how to be a good parent?
The most important thing they have taught me is to trust children. The greatest thing my parents have done for their kids has been to allow us to disagree with them. I think a good parent can sense just when to step in and when kids need to be kids, and parents need to be the older people with wisdom and experience to offer and share.
Is there anything you would have wished them to have done differently?
As their youngest child, I now want to embark upon a doctorate. The conventional Pakistani setup would rather see me marry within a year or two and settle down with a family. I know they debate which route makes more sense for me; they hesitate to push me in either direction. I do want to ask them why they let me believe anything was possible when suddenly there is a very real conundrum facing us, one that asks me to compromise on the belief that anything is possible.
But because they have raised me to believe so firmly that, if you work hard enough, life will carve out a path for you, I'm not too worried. It's not reason enough to suddenly doubt or question my parents' intentions or integrity.
Will you approach parenting your own children in the same way your parents have brought you up?
I don't know what I will do. Maybe I will have disabled children, and that will take me down an entirely different path. In our most unconscious actions, we often seem just like our parents. And parenting is probably the most unintentional action we are capable of; none of us learn it; it just comes to us.
Regard Harris Mazendame, 15, lives in Gweru, Zimbabwe. His mother left Zimbabwe in 1997 to live in the U.K. where she works as a nurse. Regard is one of an increasing number of children around the world whose mothers or fathers leave them in the care of relatives in order to earn a salary abroad.
With your mother living in a distant country, who looked after you?
My mother moved to the U.K. in 1997 and left me with my father. Unfortunately, my dad passed away in 2006, and since then I have been living with my brother and my aunt.
Even before my father died, my mother would help financially, with my school, with food, clothes, and most of all with her love for me through telephone calls and e-mails.
We are like very close partners, and we understand and respect one another. She is very supportive in whatever I do. That applies to my extended family too.
How would you describe your family's approach to your education?
My parents managed to send me to one of the best private schools in Zimbabwe. My brother drives me to school every day and helps me with my schoolwork at home. Most boys who are unfortunate enough to have parents in foreign countries are experiencing the same situation I am in, but as for education there is a great difference between me and other boys my age, because private schools are very difficult to afford.
What have you learned from your extended family about how to be a good parent?
I have learned many things from them, but mostly how to love everyone. Even if my mum is away, the love that I get from my auntie is just as good as my mother's love. I have learned to live in peace and unity with people. Love is what brings respect to people.
Is there anything you would have wished to have done differently?
Obviously I would have wished to continue to live with my mother and, if not for death, with my father too.
Would you approach parenting your own children any differently?
It would be different in that I would try and stay with them, but I would not mind leaving them for a better future, for them to have a good education and well-being in society, as long as I left them with people who have loving hearts.
