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A Vision for the Earth Interview with Robert Muller

Poetry in the Air Interview with Sarah Wider

Publish Your Life By Jonathan Morgan

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Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

All parents want their children to mature into responsible, considerate and successful people. In the West, a parenting culture characterized by sternness has gradually been replaced by gentler methods. But this approach of "engaging cooperation" is still based on the idea of parents exerting their control over children. Naomi Aldort, author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, who has successfully counseled parents from around the globe for many years, argues that control is ineffective, because humans resist control by their very nature.

Even gently coercive ways of making the child do what the parent wishes her to do mean that the child has to give up on herself. "Giving up her will," says Aldort, "is the cause of most difficulties with children. Instead, it is the child who directs her own life who acts productively, because she acts from joy and love and not anger, fear and stress." Rather than trying to control children's behavior or mold them according to preconceived notions of how we would like them to be, Naomi advocates an approach of honoring the child's authentic self and trusting and validating her inner guidance. Embraced by love, a child can happily and productively direct her own life. "Parenting is much simpler when we realize that children come here already designed to bloom in their own unique ways," she says.

SGI Quarterly: Do you believe the child always knows best?

Naomi Aldort: That's a huge question. Do you know what's best for you, for the real you? The child is not different from the adult in that sense, but he is the only one who can know. We can help his knowing by not confusing him with our view. What's best for him is to follow his inner voice.

I have hardly ever said to any of my three children that they should do something that they feel they shouldn't do because I know what's good for them. So far my kids proved that they know exactly what's right for them and it is not for me to know what another being is going to be or do with their autonomous self.

It's different when we talk about behavior relating to other people where sometimes they need guidance. They may not have a complete sense of how to be considerate of others or that others want something too. But in terms of his autonomous direction the child does know what's best and I trust that absolutely.

What I teach is to raise children who look for cues about themselves inside rather than outside. In our culture we are addicted to taking cues from the outside. We've been trained this way through praise, punishment, approval, disapproval. We are seeking approval rather than connecting with who we really are and looking for the answers inside.

Happiness is a function of the ability to be sourced inside, in yourself; and if, as a child, I'm constantly trying to please my mother and find what works for her, I'm getting drawn out of myself.

My approach is rooted in respecting children totally, seeing them for who they actually are.

SGIQ: In your view what is the most important thing for a parent to do in order to raise their child as happily as possible, both for the child and for the parent?

NA: The most important thing is to be constantly open to raising yourself. When I allow the child to be sad when they're sad, happy when they're happy, I have to work on myself to free myself from reactions that cause hurt or disconnection. When I am free to express my unconditional love, I provide for and nurture them, responding to their need with total respect and trust. When I say "need" I don't mean wanting a candy, I mean responding to their deep, primal need: love, care, connection. When responded to, children learn to source themselves in themselves and have a better chance of being happy. When a person relies on their inside they cannot be unhappy, no matter what happens.

I like to distinguish primal needs that should always be met, from wants and desires. I want to teach children, from the beginning, that they don't need to suffer because Grandma didn't arrive, a friend called them stupid, or they didn't get a good share of the candy. I want them to be powerful enough to see that that's not their real need and that they are perfectly fine without it.

Understanding Why

SGIQ: You've said that the child who is screaming is right to be screaming, which is probably a challenging idea for many parents. Why do you say this?

NA: If I go outside and it's raining, the rain is not right or wrong. The rain is raining . . . it's as simple as that. I don't say, "it shouldn't rain." If I say my child shouldn't scream and he's screaming, how helpful and how productive a mother am I going to be? He has some valid reason to scream.

It's not a question of me agreeing with the reason. It's not up to me to feel what he's feeling. I can't think for him or feel for him. If I think he shouldn't scream, I would probably scream back at him and tell him to stop. But the moment I realize, "Yes, he should be screaming," then comes the most important question--"why?" And in that "why" I'm finally connecting with the child, because he has something going on for him that justifies his screaming in his reality, and that's not up to me. I can't decide whether another person has a good reason to scream or to cry. But I can respond kindly only if I understand what drives him.

That doesn't mean that I will give it to him--if he's screaming because he wanted the bigger cake and the other child already took it. To keep the child powerful, you don't fix reality for him when it's unfixable. You meet basic needs, but if the other child got the bigger half, oh well, there's nothing you can do about that.

So you help the child rather than negate him; and in all cases--and I have years and years of experience counseling hundreds of parents--when the parent gets clear that there is a valid reason behind what the child is doing and goes to explore what it is, there is peace.

It doesn't mean the problem is solved, but the child knows somebody understands him. And you validate it without dramatizing--you remain the anchor of peace, the model of "It's not a problem, and I'm here with you loving you." You understand why he's screaming or why he's hitting, but you don't let him hit; you stop it with love and understanding while saying, "You must be frustrated, you wanted that, let's see if I can help you, let's see if we can do something else so that we will all be content." Or you just hold and love him while he cries, staying peaceful and connected.

He can scream or cry as long as he needs, and you stay the loving listener, rather than being the judgmental god that decides whether he has the right to scream or cry.

Like you and I, children always do the best they can with what they know. The child "being right" doesn't mean you let him hit the baby, but he has a valid reason to hit. Stop the hitting or remove the baby. And help the hitting child, who is suffering more than the baby. How much suffering and pain do you have to have before you hit someone? It has to be pretty desperate. They don't need scolding, they need love and understanding. I'm not talking about rewarding them. It's not a reward. It's a response to an emotional basic need. The result is a compassionate person, because you treat her with compassion.

Feeling Connected

SGIQ: What is the difference between spoiling a child and loving a child?

NA: What do you think a spoiled child is? That word comes from a patronizing place. Am I a spoiled parent when I insist that I want quiet when the child is noisy? What is it that parents are afraid of? That their children would not be considerate of others or would command others? That has nothing to do with being spoiled. That comes from not getting enough connection and unconditional love. When the child feels totally worthy and totally loved she doesn't do what we call brat behavior. And sometimes we are sure that we do all the loving and support, and yet, if the child shows stress in her behavior, it tells me that she is not feeling emotionally safe, loved and connected.

SGIQ: Your SALVE formula has helped a lot of families improve their communications and relationships. Can you explain it?

NA: The "S" stands for separating yourself, self-inquiry or self-talk. That's the part where you clear your mind from your personal chatter, so that you can clearly see the child for who she is. It helps to separate yourself from the child so that you can see her clearly.

The "A" stands for attention. After you clear yourself from your chatter and your self-talk, you put your attention on the child; actually see the child rather than your idea of how she should be.

The "L" is to listen, which is another way to put our attention on the child. Listen with your open heart and you will learn more than you can imagine. Behind the difficult behavior there is always the throbbing heart of a child doing the best he can.

The "V" is for validate. Once you listen, you have a good chance of knowing what's going on for the child and you can reassure him of your understanding and let him know that what he feels is right. "Oh, I see why you are crying; you wanted the tower to stay up and it fell." It's important to not dramatize and not to add your own emotions.

And the "E" is for empower, which is the general attitude of not thinking that you have to fix anything. When we don't fix, when we stay a peaceful person in the face of whatever happens, the child is learning: "I can handle it. I see that my father isn't going nuts about this, everybody is behaving as if they can handle this," and that's the power. Children, if you don't always fix it for them, often find their own solutions or make peace with reality, and they become powerful from facing life in this way.

What Do You Want?

SGIQ: Which of those elements is most important?

NA: I tend to say the first one, because if you don't do the first step well, you can't do the others. So the "S" part, the self-inquiry, is the part that I spend a lot of time on in my counseling. The way I teach to do the "S" is to look at the thought that is in your head and ask, "Is it really what I want?'"

Visualize your thought, and look at whether it's helping you to be the parent you want to be or if it's counter-productive. Are you being a connecting parent, is your child able to move on, or is the anger and upset escalating with no outlet? What do you really want?

For example, often when parents say, "My child should listen to me," they literally mean, "My child should obey me." Do you really want him to be obedient? Do you want your child to learn to take cues from the outside, or would you like him to be self-reliant and powerful? So you are looking at, "He should listen to me," and you realize, "Oh, I don't want that, I don't want some adult to take advantage of him, I don't want him to listen to peer pressure later, or in the extreme case be molested emotionally or physically because I'm insisting that he should obey somebody just because they are an adult. What I really want is for him to be powerful and authentic."

Often what we think we want is just an illusion that comes from the need to control and from misguided perceptions and expectations. So when you realize that you really want him to be rooted in himself, and to listen to himself, that's a lot truer. With truth comes clarity and peaceful responses.

You can't change the child; so what are you going to do in response to reality? It doesn't mean the child would never accommodate you. In fact when you accommodate him in this way, that's how he learns to accommodate.

When you raise children such that they are content with themselves and rooted in themselves, they are peaceful and self-engaged. I'm not saying to relinquish leadership as parents. But the path they are going on is really theirs. When they are at peace, then they have no reason to become hyper, anxious or destructive. Lead in response to your child, not by manipulating her but by loving the way she is and learning to lead the way that would enhance her being.

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