Parents and Children
January 2009
Banner photo: © Frans Lemmens/Getty Images
Becoming a Parent
The SGI Quarterly asked parents from different countries how becoming a parent has changed them
Growing Up with My Son
My son was born prematurely, weighing only 1.5 kilograms. Because I had heart trouble, I couldn't breast-feed him and I blamed myself a lot, feeling I was inadequate as a mother. It was a friend of mine who pulled me out of this. She told me, "Your son is trying to live his life to the fullest. What kind of example are you setting?" Her words made me realize that I was the one who had to protect my son; that I had to be stronger. I didn't want to be an anxious and fearful model for him. My son will be five years old soon.
I feel he is growing happily amidst an atmosphere of support, and I am growing too and learning from him.
I've learned to manage my time. I ask myself at each moment, "What should or could I be doing for my family now?" When I was single, my time was basically my own, but I really enjoy taking care of my family.
I always try to talk honestly with my son and share with him the things that have happened to me during the day and how I felt about them. Then I ask him about his day, and he shares his experiences and feelings. Whenever he is disappointed, I tell him, "You can't be anyone else. Just be yourself. You're wonderful and irreplaceable." It's amazing that now whenever I feel down, he always smiles at me and says, "Mom, you'll be fine. You can't be anyone else; just be yourself and you'll be fine!"
Being a parent is finding something new each day, and being with my son is like having a treasure in my life.
--Haruyo, Japan
The Best Commitment
I think that being a mother is something that transcends culture and nationality, that mothers of all nationalities think and feel the same way. Any mother would say that her child is the most intelligent and most beautiful in the whole world.
The birth of my child has changed my view of life. I've begun to understand my parents better, and how they cared for me. I care more about life in my country and society, as I realize that my children are going to live in it. We have to do our best so that this society and country can have a great future.
To be a mother, from my point of view, is (1) to have great patience, and (2) to love your family and realize that being a mother is the best commitment in the world!
--Altyn Huseynova, Turkmenistan
Changing Priorities
In our country, customs relating to raising and taking care of children have changed a lot. What used to be the exclusive responsibility of mothers is now shared, and couples have smaller families. From the moment my wife's first pregnancy was confirmed, I began to feel a determination to improve myself and expand my goals. The realization that this was the beginning of a new family for which I was going to be completely responsible caused a change in my sense of priorities. I try to take as large a part in parenting as I can, as I want to be able to give the best I can: love, economic support, emotional and psychological support.
--Jorge Charpentier, Ecuador
Improving the Good
Becoming a father has been the most wonderful experience of my life. The pure simplicity, love and affection of a child show the truly beautiful human nature that lies buried in all of us. Learning to understand why my two-and-a-half-year-old does what she does has improved my patience and perception. Adjusting to her perception, so different from mine at many times, shows how peace can be waged and joy can be created if I am willing to see the perspective of others (so difficult for me!). In worrying about her baby steps being in the right direction for her long-term happiness, I feel the need to sustain and improve all the good things in our environment for all people to share. Every fault in my character, like my anger, irks me more now, lest she should pick it up. Doing things for her gives me more joy than doing things for myself--I hope I never forget this! What should she learn? How can I ensure she grows up to be a healthy, happy and fulfilled person? While there seem to be a million things to do, I know that connecting her to her own inner source of truth, wisdom and courage will be the most enduring of all.
--Sriram Jagannathan, India, living in Japan
Laying a Foundation
Having a child made me realize the importance of motherhood. I am an architect, but I soon realized that my first role in life is as a mother. Becoming a parent has given me a new perspective on humanity. All the problems of the world have come about because of lack of good parenting. When parents are good nurturers, many of these problems will be solved. This is why I place so much importance on education. If we can influence the children when they are still growing and learning, then the community can change.
--Paulette Ogboola, Nigeria
Where the Heart Is
Before I got married, I had a more relaxing time and a lot of fun. When my children were born, I felt great responsibility. My children and my family are the most important people for me. I sometimes like to spend time with my friends, but I always remember that my dear ones are waiting for me at home.
I try to be a good father as I know that my sons will be tomorrow who I am today.
I want my children to take only the good traits of my character. And if there is something they do not agree with, let them not take it. I want my children to be healthy, honest, kind and, of course, educated. I will do my best to make them happy.
--Gurban Suleymanov, Turkmenistan
Acceptance
I was told, three years ago, as the newly adoptive mother of our almost four-year-old Cambodian son, Pav, that I looked changed, different. One friend told me emphatically that I looked radiant.
Truth be told, I didn't feel radiant. Yet I did feel changed, it's true. Not in a completed way as I had expected to feel, but rather in a way that left me feeling quite the opposite . . . incomplete, uncertain, fearful, exposed and inadequate.
Our son apparently felt the same way, and while my love for him was boundless, the demands were at times overwhelming from a little person who did not speak the same language as us and who had been uprooted from his life in Cambodia to be with us in Kosovo. My expectations of myself and my son, of my husband and of becoming a mother were so filled with romantic and unachievable images that I often felt unable to accept the realities of the transition we were going through as a family. I had pictured our little family clustered around a book at night reading stories and making hand puppets, while a pot of soup bubbled on the stove and snow fell silently outside. I had not imagined our son hidden behind the sofa, crying like a wounded animal, and me, not being able to reach or comfort him, also in tears of disappointment and self-flagellation, while my husband tried to deal with both of us.
Yet here we are three years later, living back in Cambodia, and continuing to grow and learn from and with each other among the often joyous yet sometimes challenging moments that come with being a family. I was right about the change in me; it was incomplete back then, not the end of change but the beginning. The change continues and I remain an imperfect mother, far from the images and expectations I once held for myself. Yet I have become accepting of those imperfections, and in doing so I have come to understand that I am not always the mother I should be or could be, or even the mother I thought I would be, but I am the mother I can be . . . and that is enough.
